A few clean jokes to counter all the other kind out there... Some are from the 'net, others from various sources. Many came to me via email, I've taken the liberty of removing all the >'s for you. I don't know or remember where most of them came from, but if someone submits a good one, I'll give them credit.
THE CHURCH GOSSIP
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town's only bar. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house and left it there all night.
QUANTAS AIRLINESAfter every Quantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form before taking off.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers.
Quantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
If you've forgotten, this test can help...
You live in California when...
- You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
- The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
- The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
- You think Central Park is "nature."
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You've worn out a car horn.
- You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
- You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
- Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
- You have more than one recipe for moose.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
- "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
- After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
- "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
- Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
- You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
- A pass does not involve a football or dating.
- The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
- You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
- You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
- You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
- When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
- You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
- Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
- Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
THE LIMO RIDEThe Billy Graham crusade had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur didn't feel like he had much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief. The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
AGING WITH GEORGEI'm told this is by George Carlin. I don't know for sure, but it does sound like his style. So the text below probably belongs to him, and I hope he doesn't mind me using it, it was just too fun not to include.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony... YOU BECOME 21... YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. "He TURNED, we had to throw him out..." There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
I hope you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
THE DYING IRISH NUNThe wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
REFLECTIONS FOR A PUNSIVE MOODA jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here," and he crumples him up and tosses him out onto the sidewalk where he gets all scraped up and tangled. The string walks right back in and orders a drink. Amazed, the bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw out?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look." He picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher shop the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
SAD NEWSWhat with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.
THREE GOLFERS (from Yvon Gelinas)Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club over his head, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
SEVEN STAGES OF A PROJECT - A TRUE STORY (from Peter Holzer)- Wild Enthusiasm
- Disillusionment
- Total Confusion
- Search for the Guilty
- Punishment of the Innocent
- Promotion of the Nonparticipants
- Definition of the Requirements
- Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
- Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. '66 Ford Fairlane
B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C. '64 Pontiac GTO - If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
- A pulpwood cutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?
- If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge or R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
- A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawed pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
- A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
- A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
- A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered camels will be smoked during the shift?
- At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
- To the optimist, the glass is half full.
- To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
- To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such >ineptitude!"
The pastor said,"Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
True Story
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The next week, the company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ... $1It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Knowing where to put it .... $49,999
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
FATHERS
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
- Make the world your playground.
- Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
- If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
- When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
- Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
- Nap often.
- When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
- Life is hard, and then you nap.
- Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
- Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
- Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
- Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
- Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
WARNING!!
THIS MESSAGE IS INTENDED FOR MS INTERNAL USE ONLY!
DO NOT PUBLICLY DISTRIBUTE!
Many of you have been asking about the "anykey" and about how to access its hidden functions.
The "anykey" is not present on most user's keyboards because it is intended for advanced coding and programming only. Our programmers have it on their keyboards because they routinely use it.
Due to "glitches" in the Windows® programs, however, you may be prompted to press "anykey" while performing certain Windows® tasks. Our programmers until recently had forgotten that they had coded into Windows® a patch which would enable non-programmers to assign a key on all keyboards to act as the "anykey". Their intent was to have this available in case of emergencies where a programmer's keyboard may not have been readily available. There have been many such emergency situations over the past four years, but out legal advisors have instructed us to not go into those in any detail as such actions could lead to heavy libelous actions against Microsoft© .
To enable this function, please do the following EXACTLY as written.
Note: To our knowledge, the assigned key will still perform it's normal functions when not prompted for "anykey" services. We have not finished exhaustively testing this, however so this information is to be considered as "Beta".
- Disable any anti-virus programs which are currently running.
- Open a DOS Window.
- At the DOS prompt and type ANYKEYFIX, then press return.
- If it works correctly, you will get the response, "Bad command or file name," which is a little confusing since it's exactly what it's supposed to do.
- After doing this, type EXIT and press Enter. This will return you to your Windows session.
- Reboot your computer so that the changes may be written into the config.sys, win.ini, system.ini, protocol.ini, and autoexec.bat files. Your Windows® registry will be updated as well.
- Re-enable your anti-virus programs.
We are in the process of purchasing overlays for our spacebars which will be printed with the Windows® logo and the word "ANY" set against our trademark blue sky and fluffy white clouds background. We are currently applying for global copyrights for the word "ANY" and expect to have those in place within the year. This overlay will come with an installation CD which will also include Microsoft© Internet Explorer 5.5®, Microsoft© Media Player®, and Microsoft© Net Meeting® . The insertion of the CD will result in no less than fifteen prompts, shortcuts, and reminders to the user to sign up for Microsoft Network® web services. There will also be an online registration feature after the user has electronically agreed to the 547,000 word end user license agreement.
All currently shipping Microsoft© software titles will feature a coupon which consumers may use to obtain the overlay / CD package directly from Microsoft© for free (plus $25 US shipping and handling).
We feel this is more in keeping with our overall Windows® theme and the spirit of our company.
NEWLY DISCOVERED ELEMENT
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.
Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0. However, it has 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert. Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.
Although Administratium has a normal half-life of three years, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium's sample mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "critical morass." You will recognize it when it occurs.
- If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side...
- If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
- If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...
- If you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler...
- If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
- If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart...
- If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...
- If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
- If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher...
- If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin."
- If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
- If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...
- If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...
- If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
- If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
- For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.
- Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
- Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
- If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on.
- After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
- When it becomes time to dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time.
- When your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them -- this works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually guarantees a fall and if you milk the guilt that follows it is usually worth it.
- Should you run into a closed sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let on as much and go about your business as if "I meant to do that."
- If you allow a dog to share your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter the drapes or destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner (misnomer if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs are stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should fail simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat.
- Chase, frolic, and run from invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it is just expected.
- Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
- Final Note: ALWAYS walk ON the keyboard!
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:IT COULD HAPPEN...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE...
Gates Patents Ones, Zeroes
Tom Walker
©1999 Cox News Service
REDMOND, WA --In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Wednesday.
With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.
"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."
A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.
"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."
"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."
As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun sarcastically joking about radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.
Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.
"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 BC clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."
Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."
According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.
"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."
Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.
Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.
In an address beamed live to millions of people around the globe yesterday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.
"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million.
The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union was also faced with the same problem of writing in zero gravity... so they just used a pencil.
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate, and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, than a big fat tom cat snuck up
and gobbled them all up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I just love baskin' robins."
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 133 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, military, customers, designated contractor, VIPs, employees of the month/quarter/year & visitor parking spaces by the main entrance.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "One wrong wipes out years of Atta Boys" are words to live by.
- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
- Appearance is more important than substance.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
- Art involves a white board and dry markers.
- The project you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and coworkers sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
- You know, and everyone that works with you knows, your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
- Training is something spoken about but never seen.
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.
- Change is the norm.
- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
LONG HAIR...
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average,study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?
Relax...
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The cool water is fresh and clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Yesterday,CHURCH FUNNIES
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally,she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,"but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
One student's prayer:
"Now I lay me down to rest,
And hope to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I have to take."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
JOB HUNTING SOON?
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay you enough to expect that you will dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female applicants must be childless (and stay that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're fat, old, or ugly, you will be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We already have someone for the job, our call for résumés is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You will need it to replace three people who have just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You will have the responsibilities of a manager; without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
OVERHEARD...
I love children, but I can never eat a whole one.
A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't. So she took it to the vet.
The vet agreed to take a look. He shook the dog gently. He checked for a doggy pulse, but couldn't find one. He held a mirror up to the dog's nose but it stayed clear. He said, "Well, the dog does look dead; but I'd like to run one more test."
He goes into the other room and brings back an animal carrier. He opens the door and a cat comes out, walks around the dog two or three times, and finally lifts it's head and tail and goes back into the carrier.
Vet says, "Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say but your dog is dead."
"Well, that's what I came here to find out," she says, "How much do I owe you?"
"That'll be $520."
"What?" she screams, "$520 to tell me my dog's dead?? Why so much?"
"Well," said the vet, "it's $20 for the office visit, and $500 for the
cat scan."
Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes a spectacular twist at the end
JOKE FROM BABYLON 5 (as told by Bester)...so the bartender says to René Descartes, "Another round?"
Descartes says "I think... not" and promptly vanishes.
(Am I the only one that gets this?)
Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures?
His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him... so he wound up with buck teeth.
Ten things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars:
- A particular model car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car
- Occassionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
- You could only have one person in a car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
- Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and 5 times as fast--but it would only run on 5% of the roads.
- The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
- People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
- We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
- The US Government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
On the banks of a river sat three indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.
A native american mathemetician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
HOW SPECS LIVE FOREVERThe US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
KING OF THE OPEN SEASOne foggy night, as the admiral was walking along the deck of his battleship, he saw the light of another ship approaching in the distance. Quickly he went down to the radio room and had a message sent: "Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."
But the message came back "Adjust your course 10 degrees port"
This began to anger the admiral, so he thought he needed to make himself clear. He sent the message "This is an order from an Admiral. Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."
But the message came back "I am a petty officer, second class. Adjust your course 10 degrees port"
If the admiral was angry before, he was furious now. No way did he take orders from a petty officer! He ordered a message sent which would make his position clear: "This is a nuclear battleship. Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."
And again the message came back "This is a lighthouse. Adjust your course 10 degrees port"
ANOTHER DANGER OF CLONINGA scientist, on hearing the miracles of cloned sheep, decided to ignore all warnings and clone himself. Soon he would have another him; doubling his work capacity and providing company on those all-night reseach binges.
But a problem developed. His new double looked just like him, sounded just like him, and acted just like him; but whenever he spoke a pure stream of filthy language spewed forth.
The terrible twin talked such a blue streak he made dead sailors blush.
Soon, the scientist could take it no more. He lured his lewd lookalike to an ocean cliff, crept up behind him and pushed his dirty doppleganger over the edge.
He stayed just long enough to see the rude replica dissapear into the surf, then slipped quietly home, free at last!
But he didn't get away with it. The whole thing had been seen by neighbors.
Eventually he was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS - MODERN VERSIONThen Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him. He taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.Then Simon Peter said: "Do we have to write this down?"
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
Blessed are the persecuted.
Blessed are those who suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven...
and Andrew said: "Are we supposed to know this?"
and James said: "Will we be tested on this?"
and Phillip said: "What if we don't know it?"
and Bartholomew said: "Do we have to turn this in?"
and John said: "Did the other disciples have to learn this?"
and Matthew said: "When do we get out of here?"
and Judas said: "What does this have to do with real life?"
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal learning objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept...
QUOTES FROM THE BOSSQuote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry: "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."
ROAD TRIP (from Donna M. Jones)A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control, bouncing off crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes.
What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
ANOTHER ONE FOR THE TEACHERS...Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
- He had only one major publication.
- It was in Hebrew.
- It had no references.
- It wasn't published in a referred journal.
- Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
- He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
- The scientific community can't replicate His results.
- He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
- When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
- He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
- Some say He had His son teach class.
- He expelled His first two students.
- His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
- Although there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.
A scientist trained a frog to hop everytime he said "Jump!". Then, for reasons known only to himself, he surgically removed the frog's left hind leg.
"Jump!" he cried. The frog jumped. Veered badly to the left, but it jumped.
He wrote in his journal: "Left hind leg removed; frog still jumps."
And the he removed the frog's left fore leg.
"Jump!" he cried. The frog jumped. Almost rolled over on it's back, but it jumped.
He wrote in his journal: "Both left legs removed; frog still jumps."
And the he removed the frog's right fore leg.
"Jump!" he cried. The frog jumped. Actually it was more of a 'scoot', but it jumped.
He wrote in his journal: "All but right hind leg removed; frog still jumps."
And then he removed the frog's right hind leg.
"Jump!" he cried. Nothing.
"Jump!" he cried. The frog twitched a little, but just sat there.
"Jump!" he cried. The frog just looked at him pitifully.
He wrote in his journal: "Conclusion: Frog hearing dependant on limbs. All legs removed; frog has gone deaf."
FOUND IN ACHURCH BULLETINPositions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.
PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.
EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.
BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.
FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.
HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.
RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!
